Self Sabotaging in a Relationship–Why We Do It…
November 5, 2019/By: Erin Mixon
Are you guilty of self sabotaging in a relationship before it even starts?
What are some ways that you have been guilty of self sabotaging in a relationship in the past?
The thought of embarking upon a new relationship can be intimidating and downright scary.
Embarking upon a new relationship brings out all of the many fears, doubts, and insecurities that we all have. Many of us (without even realizing it) will reject a potential partner early on because we have a “get them before they get us” mentality.
It seems the older you get, the more negative experiences you have, the more triggered you become.
As a defense mechanism…we would rather reject someone… rather than being open and vulnerable (or to allow ourselves to peal back the layers and actually taking the time to get to know someone) despite our mutual mess.
The following are three reasons why we sabotage relationships and how you can stop this self-defeating behavior:
1) Fear of Being Hurt and Rejected
At the start of a potential new relationship, emotions and feelings are heightened and potential new love is is in the air. Everyone goes out of his/her way to present the best version possible of themselves.
We want to impress our potential new mate with our perceived greatness.
But, being human…
After a while, the representative gets a little lax…
And snippets of the “real person” begin to creep in.
The real person…with all of their imperfections, inadequacies, and insecurities.
Once these “issues” begin to show…
They can cause even the most intoxicating love high to sober up and the most potent love spell to wear off.
So out of fear of being hurt and rejected…
We freeze up in an effort to protect ourselves.
Sooo many of us have experienced past hurts an pains that have been extremely traumatic. We can’t bear the thought of enduring more pain (out of fear that we’re not capable) so we choose to cut it off before it starts.
2) Fear of Being Vulnerable
Being vulnerable before another person can often times be a brutal experience.
It can feel like standing naked in front of a room full of people . In that moment you feel like they’re judging every nook and cranny of your body…from the dents on your behind…to the huge mole above your right nipple.
Much in the same way…
Being vulnerable can be very difficult and uncomfortable. The process of revealing your heart, issues, deepest emotions, fears, and insecurities can cause individuals to freeze up and cower back.
What will they think of me?
How will they judge me?
Will he/she think I’m a horrible person… damaged goods???
The mental torment can be agonizing…
So to avoid this unbearable mental anguish, many of us just curl back up into the fetal position (where we deem it’s safe) and stay there.
3) Being Triggered by Past Relationships and Experiences
In life, the majority of us have experienced bad relationships at some point (romantic as well as non-romantic). Offenses such as abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional),infidelity, and neglect, can be extremely hurtful and traumatic.
And sadly, oftentimes, we don’t take the time to process and heal after we experience these negative traumas.
We bounce from one relationship to the next without healing and we wonder why we keep experiencing these same traumas over and over again.
After a while, over time, these traumas add up year after year after year. For most of us…
We get so weighed down in these experiences that we are constantly on guard and even expecting that we will be mistreated just like were in the past.
If we even believe we are halfway being disrespected…
We are out of there with lightning speed.
Sooo…how do we end this pattern of negative cycles of relationship sabotage that just leads to more doubt, insecurity, self-loathing, and loneliness???
Stay tuned for my next post where we dive deep into some practical tools you can utilize to stop sabotaging your relationships so you can end the sabotage and get on to finding the true love you are so longingly seeking.
What are some ways that you have been guilty of self sabotaging in a relationship? Comment down below.